by Heather Bock
Almost eleven years ago, my firstborn was born into Heaven at nine weeks gestation. I’ll never forget our kind doctor telling us after testing my hormone levels that it seemed my pregnancy could possibly be non-viable. I was alarmed, but as my baby’s heartbeat was strong, and everything seemed well, I thought maybe she was wrong.
Later that afternoon, when I was alone at home, I received a call, during which a nurse told me she needed to schedule me a D&C for early the next morning so that I wouldn’t lose too much blood when my miscarriage occurred.
I was shocked.
She didn’t have answers for my questions, and I was left wondering what had happened and why they were so sure my pregnancy was over. I wasn’t convinced that my baby had actually died, and I definitely wasn’t going to let them do a D&C while a life still moved inside me.
I had no way of talking to my doctor without keeping the appointment, so I did, but I decided only to let them do the procedure if she could make it clear that my baby had already died. God was gracious to me that night and relieved my fears by letting my water break, the little that was there. I knew it was truly over.
I sometimes imagine my child in Heaven, growing at the same rate she would have grown here, spending time with her aunt and grandpa. No, I never found out the gender of my baby, but I always picture her as a girl, and I think of her name as Hope Joy.
My pain was great when I lost my child, even though I was only nine weeks along. After the nurse called me that afternoon, for a time I couldn’t reach anyone on the phone. I was desperate to talk to someone to help process my grief, but no one answered. I feel strongly now that God allowed me to be left alone for a short time so I would cry out to Him first instead of to my friends and family. His comfort was better than anyone else could have provided.
My pain was great, but its sharpness has long become dulled, so that almost no pain remains. I only look forward to meeting that baby someday in Heaven.
I know, however, that many women go through this pain and are still going through it now. For some, the pain is still fresh.
I wish, eleven years ago, someone could have given me what was recently published: Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss. When someone experiences any loss of a loved one, he or she needs to face the loss. As Sarah Philpott writes in this book, “Grief research suggests we must embrace these feelings. There is no way around grief. We must plod right through it…We must make daily decisions to work through the grief” (pgs. 22-23). Some might think the loss of a baby not met face to face doesn’t need to be grieved like other deaths, but this is not true. If we try to ignore the pain, it will resurface in one way or another.
This devotional helps women who have experienced a miscarriage process their mourning, using biblical principles and Scripture to guide them. It includes important topics such as faith, questions, anger, jealousy, spousal grief, and the choice of joy.
Every devotion tells a little bit of the author’s story, along with tidbits from other women’s journeys, reminding the reader that she is not alone in her grief. Godly advice and comfort is given, and at the end of each is a place for soul work. In this area, the reader is encouraged to take actions toward healing–so important. After this, each devotion ends with a written prayer, helpful for bringing a heart back into line with God’s heart.
One of the topics dealt with in this book is the pain others can give when they aren’t sure what to say in the face of the woman’s grief. Even though I had a miscarriage, I have also been on the side of not being able to find the right words of comfort to offer someone else in the same pain, especially when the woman’s miscarriage came much later than mine did. I am thankful now that if, may God forbid, I am in this position again, I have a book to give that will provide much more comfort than any words I might produce.
Also, I wanted you to know that Fashion & Compassion has created a sweet gold dangle bracelet to pair with this devotional. This bracelet will only be available with the purchase of Loved Baby through Fashion & Compassion October 2 – 25, 2017 for a special bundle price of $38.
If you, or someone you love, are currently going through the pain that follows a miscarriage, I would love to pray for you. You can either email me at heather.bock[at]glimpsesofjesus.com or comment below.