I have some amazing friends who I consider more family than friends, girls to whom I can tell almost anything, who would do anything for me (and have), and for whom I would do anything, as well. However, true emotional closeness with a friend is still something for which I long, something I’ve wanted all my life, ever since my first best friend moved away when I was 8 or 9–not that I had true emotional closeness with that friend, but I think I was too young to realize yet that I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about this again lately since one of my best friends found out that she would be moving across the country. It’s a great move for her, and I’m happy for her and her family, but I have to say that her impending move has been very hard for me. I’ve been grieving since I found out it was possible she might move.
But God met me today right in the middle of my pain. He let me know that He’s using this hard time to draw me into closer intimacy with Him. The closeness I long for will not be found here on this earth. I had been thinking that, but it only drove me to hopelessness. Today, He showed me that He is my hope–I can find intimacy in Him. By directly speaking to a large number of my most recent thoughts and longings through a book and church, He made it very clear to me today that Psalm 139 is true, that He knows my every thought. He is the only one who does and who ever will know me completely.
He could have left it there, but instead He made sure to make it clear to me that I am not only completely known by Him, but also loved and forgiven. Lately, He has let me feel the weight of my sin, how far I fall short in all my relationships, not in condemnation, but just in loving truth. Where else can I turn when I truly see myself for who I am except Jesus and His cross? He has been showing me His cross in answer to my sin all week, but today, He showed me His love on the cross.
Now I’m asking what I can do in response to all of this. How can I use my desire for connection with friends to glorify Him? How can I love the people in my life better and engage with them instead of withdraw when I hurt? I think He’s given me some glimpses of the answer to this, but I hope He continues to show me and help me.